I don’t know if i will ever get back that same feeling i had at the beginning of our journey but I guess things will always change. And I’m contented with what I had today. *Beams

We may have our differences, we may have our own views. But i’m pretty sure I can never find anyone so imperfectly perfect for me.

No more 1 sem of trial, no more reconsiderations. Contract has been renewed till a lifetime.

I love you so much. Although you are always damn shy to kiss me in public =( *pouts

Lets hope i wont come here to rant about unhappy happenings anymore =)

I think I love you too much. Subconsciously, loving you more than I love myself. Loving you more than the way I used to love myself.

I guess it won’t be something bad but i think it isn’t right if this feeling isn’t mutual? Been feeling really second/third/fourth in place in your mind and heart, although you say otherwise. And i think i ought to believe you ain’t i?

I’m trying to force myself not to think too much about the upcoming projects of yours but i can’t help but feel really insecure. And this is totally worse when exams are not over to not preoccupy my mind. I keep thinking about the new friends you’ll make, the fun you’ll have, and the amount of effort you’ll put in for it. And I get super restless about it. I didn’t use to worry about such lame insecurities at all. Because I know very well deep down, I was the only person you’ll truly have fun with and be willing to spend every time you have free with me, and that I was the one that lingers in your heart and mind. But I really can’t feel that confidence and security in you anymore. I want that feeling back, where i’ll feel your love and care despite being miles apart, and despite not seeing you for days. I want the confidence and security that i was once filled with. I feel like a motherfucker loser which i used to swear that i’ll never become..

Why do I have to settle for less? Why do I have to accept how things change because of you? Why can’t I be assertive and ensure that I’m not at any losing ends?

It hurts so bad..

The fact that the whole promise was a one-sided affair.

I feel like a bride where the groom was forced into his wedding suit and was puppet to walk down the aisle with me with a forced smile on his face. And next, he refused to say the vows.

It feels as thought you think of nothing whenever i cry or get mad at you because such events happen too often. And yes, that is an indication of how unhappy i am

I dont feel any love between us anymore. It feels like a chore for you to even reply messages and just chitchat with me.

Stop telling me you love me every single time when we quarrel because I really don’t feel it.

I need to think. We should live seperate lives and just be friends. Screw all love, Screw promises, Screw iloveyou forever. Screw I would never hurt you or make you cry. Screw you for coming into my life. Screw myself for thinking that you’ll make me happy

I’m losing my drive , faith and determination to hang on.

Every single effort and attempt to bring us closer and back to where we used to be are futile or blatantly rejected by you in my face.

You never put in effort to appease me, you never put in effort to make situations right, you never dare face up to circumstances and solve it. Probably, you don’t even understand where and what went wrong.

Things and problems don’t just automatically resolve and disappear by itself. Keeping silent and hoping things will become better doesn’t work at all. In fact, it just makes things worst. I have no idea and probably have lost track of how many times i’ve told you that things dont just resolve by itself. I’m getting fucking sick and tired of you and your mishandling of situations and me.

why are you like this? I thought you were more than just that? It’s such a disappointment day after day, the things you do… or rather don’t do.

Seriously, what kinda guy who loves a girl, would push the girl away when she leans over to kiss you?!?! What is a relationship when the guy never ever takes the initiative to pull the girl for a kiss? Which guy who’s in love with a girl, never initates a kiss until a girl asks for it!? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

You have no idea, how much dignity, pride and face I’ve laid down for you, but only to be rejected or unappreciated by you. I’ve never ever thought that I would be in a relationship where I have to be the one who’s contributing more and always the initiating whatsoevers, when the male is supposed to be the party doing that. I really don’t know what’s going on with you and us. I tried to put it behind me, whatever that happened yesterday. But i simply can’t do it. Everytime i think about how many times you’ve rejected my love and me, i just cringe and i just wanna walk away from you. I could’nt even stand the presence of you by my side, sleeping with me. I feel like a mega prostitute, always giving everything i have to you but its up to your whims and fancy to decline or accept it. It feels like I’ve lost my dignity through and through, trampled on by you over and over again with the uncountable times you’re hurt my feelings. Seriously, why have you become a guy like this?!

I used to be proud of having a boyfriend like you, where you used to be so thoughtful, attentive and loving to me, wherever and whenever. I used to look at couples, and silently say to myself ‘ i think my boyfriend is way better’.

But to my very deepest regrets, I am the one who’s looking at couples and being envious of them now. How their boyfriends are bold and daring to show his love for her in public (without being too indecent), How their boyfriends hold and look at the girl like she’s the only one for him forever, How they look at her and talk to her like she’s a princess. I think back of the way you treat me and how you look at me or dont look at me or just everything that you did. I feel sad for myself. Seriously, i always try to picture myself as a third party, looking at us. We seriously do not even act like a couple at times. Why did everything you used to do go? You used to check your phone so frequently i know that you will always be there to reply my messages or attend to my needs whenever i need your help. Look at yourself now. You only checked your phone when you are bored and only then you’ll realised i actually texted you for help/anything. You only check your phone to check whatapp. What ever happened to “you’ll always be my first priority?” , ” i’ll always be there for you”. UTTER BULLSHIT. You’re a mega big fat liar. You’re going behind all your promises you made to me in the past.

I dont know what to say about you. I love you but I really hate the way you manage our relationship. I hate the way you avoid issues, I hate the way you are afraid to face up to situation, I hate the way you always think keeping silent will resolve problems. I hate the way you treat me and disregard me and my presence. I hate the way you reject and decline me.

You know, I really don’t see why you are still hanging on to this relationship when you don’t even treat me or act like i’m your girlfriend. I really hate to say this.. But if you’re gonna remain this way, I really think I deserve better….

I’m so so so tired. I can’t even be bothered to argue with you and talk to you because i know you’re gonna give me the same answer or same silence again. You know what, tit for tit,tat for tat. I’m giving up. I’m not going to put in any more efforts and overdose of emotions into this screwed up relationship of ours. Probably, hardening my heart and closing the windows to it will just make things easier for me.

I admire the girls in gossip girl, how they are bold enough to face up to their feelings. How courageous they are to fight for their own happiness and better love that they truly deserve.

That you’ll understand me more with every argument and unhappiness we have.

But sadly over and over again, its just me getting angry and upset, you trying to pacify..wait not even trying. But just waiting for me to get appeased and things go back to where they were again. No change. Nothing. Just my emotions running wild the whole time apparently.

Its so tiring. To work this out with you now. i’m getting really tired of getting unhappy more than once a day. And it happens every single day.

Where did all the genuine happiness go to? I cant help but really feel so one sided in this relationship.

There are times where I really wanna just say out every single thing in my mind and voice every unhappiness out. But i always realised there was no point in doing so. Because you do not understand and you always disregards the things i say. And you never bother to try to change things to even try to make me feel happier. All you can attribute these is due to the fact that we see each other everyday. It pains my heart to hear such ridiculous comments from you. But i have no idea since when, my heart has just been numb to it already. But i still cringe whenever you say that.

I’ve always been trying to search for the past feelings we both had for each other. but why am i the only one searching for it? I really hate how things are now. I always look back at pictures we took and smile to myself. As i scroll and scroll, I realised we have no more pictures of us in recent times. I remember how you used to sneak pictures of me randomly everyday. Now? I have no idea what we are doing… All you can think of is academics and more academics and how you can squeeze time of every single day to just study.

You used to surprise me with drinks and little snacks during lecture. You used to buy me flowers randomly. You used to give me more than i need. You used to….. All the unhappiness I’m feeling is clouding the images of the past.And this makes it even worse for me.
You no longer know what i want and what i need. You no longer put in effort to make things to make me happy. You no longer treat me like how you did in the past. And you always disregard me. You like to always walk ahead with the goal in your mind and never once turning back to look at me. Never. And i always remember that feeing of you just walking away at so many circumstances when i needed you. Maybe you dont even realise it yourself.

I used to think we were a really special couple. but i have no idea where the sparks went. Sparks don’t just appear with a stone, but rather, two. And if one stone keeps trying to create sparks by itself, sooner or later, she’ll wear and tear till she’s gone.

I haven’t got any proper set of make up kit including foundation, concealer, blusher or bronzer or cheek colour (I DIDNT KNOW THERE WERE SO MANY VERSIONS OF IT), eye shadow (OMG COLOURS ARE DAMN PRETTY), eye liner etc. And After so many dance performances of borrowing people’s tools and expertise of putting on make up for me, I have decided its time to invest in a proper set of make up kit. At least have the basics. I have a gel eye liner and…. thats all that i have. Now, i have blusher and its brush, foundation and its brush, eye shadow colours with a brush, eye make up remover, lip gloss, mascara, and eye curler! I know, im still short of many essentials.. I’ll slowly slowly get them. And lets hope, i wont develop a make up buying craze because some of the make up bottles and colours are so desirable! Its like all of them are crying out and beckoning me to get them >< And its always good to have more stuff in your make up bag so you can choose according to occasions and events. Like even things to blush up your cheeks have so many versions!! But if there wasn’t any sale going on, i think i would hesitate and even not consider buying so many make up tools at once. These chemicals that make you pretty but harm your skin is frigging expensive! And i’m already purchasing them from one of the lower end make up shops.

Okay so here’s what i bought! I went to Nature Republic at junction 8 and was super elated when i saw “STOREWIDE 50% discount, ALL ITEMS”. I immediately popped in and started browsing around. I was alittle disappointed that foundation 2 way cake/ powder was sold out. Nonetheless, there was a plenty of eyeshadow colours left. So i grabbed a shimmy white, glittering midnight blue and shimmy bronze, together with an eye shadow brush! And it costs me only $19.40 instead of $38.80!

And tonight, I decided to pay  body shop a visit since i have the discount card from my mother. Spent a total of $113.50 with many freebies! =)

Cheek mineral powder (pink)

Bought this mineral powder at $9.90 instead of its original price of $24.90! It suits tanned skin colour and adds a little shimmer to your cheeks as well!

Got this mineral foundation at the price of $19.90 instead of its usual price of $39.90! Another cheap buy >< *squeals! This is supposedly good for sensitive skin as it is not as heavy weight as liquid foundation and not as oily as bb cream as well!

I got mini cute brushes meant for this series of make up, one for blusher one for the foundation! And i managed to get one of them for free because of their current deal of “BUY 2 GET 1 FREE!”. So i managed to get a make up sponge ($5.90), a foundation brush ($33.90), and a blusher brush ($32.90) without the cost of make up sponge.. okay abit lame. HAHA. But im still damn bewildered as to how the brush which is just an accompanying tool for the make up, can cost so much more than the make up itself. Weird right?

And I also bought an eye shadow palette with 5 colours! At the cost of $19.90

Since I have already spent above $80.00, I was entitled to a free gift bag (Make up bag) containing, a cherry shower gel, an eye remover and a mini vitamin E moisture! =) yay! I have a make up bag without paying for it! And to store all the things i need!

I popped over to sasa to get my mascara as the ones in bodyshop were a weee bit expensive =\ And since its GSS, i managed to get my mascara at a20% discount, paying $17.00 for a $22 bucks mascara! yay!

Tomorrow is flashmob for Loreal new hair product called Redken or something! Excited but apprehensive at the same time as we only practised the dance routine once. Oh boy and i still cant recall all the steps properly. Shall wake up early tomorrow and practise it! And i really wish dancing would feel long! And the waiting time for fat and black boy to book out will be shorten!! T_T But still, its should be a good day tomorrow! =)

Sadly, I’m feeling this really bad wall sitting between our faces. So many a times, when you’re just right beside, you feel yet so far away and distant. And i fucking fucking hate that feeling.

Our objectives are beginning to differ. We’re both seeing things at different light. I dont know how are we going to make this work.

Im getting so lethargic with flag and my life during the hols and yet you’re always not there to help me deal with it or make things better.

You’re so caught up with engin stuff and helping friends in engin that you proclaim are more important to you and your future in your studies and life. The more involved you get with engin and lesser time and focus you have for our relationship, the greater the resentment and hatred i have against them and the more i refuse to do stuff for engin and hang out with them.

I hate to feel this way. I never wanted our relationship to head in this direction. Probably that was why i did not want to get so involved with someone right at the beginning in case such scenarios happen.

I feel so devastated and infuriated, that you would rather spend the night past midnight chatting w them rather than replying your gf’s messages asking her if she’s alright or whether her day went good, despite knowing that she’s at camp although she’s ill. I tried not to make a big fuss out of it. I tried not to get affected by it. But its all these little little actions that sometimes pile up and made me so angry over time.

All the sweet gestures that you used to do and say to me are so elusive now. I dont know how you feel. I dont know if you know how i feel. Im getting lost in this maze.

Where’s the genuine joy of meeting the same people although i know i meet them everyday? Where’s the hugs and love and care and concern? Where’s the adrenaline rush before heading to do something you really love? Where’s the eagerness and enthusiasm towards daily life and school? im missing people who really has constructive and eye opening comments and advices for you, people who genuinely care about who you are and what you achieve. I miss you, my dear friend Lemuel, for always being the Mr wise uncle around, taking the initiative to find out what was going through my mind and life, sharing opinions and thoughts or just merely lending a listening ear, With your uncle-like nods and smile, and sharing really insightful and brilliant school of thoughts.I really miss your morning greetings for each and everyone of us,which truly brightens up the morning and make the rest of the day less intolerable. You never fail to make me realize how dense and childish i am sometimes and make me wake up and mature through your conversations. You make me think and reflect and follow my heart, which is exactly what i am lacking of, so badly now in the life im leading. I have no idea why i mention you here, but not as if you’ll visit, cause no one knows of this place. But you’re such a dear and amazing friend in my life that i could never bear to forget.

oh boy, how much i have digressed.

I have no idea why i am still hung up on this place that i know will eventually mean nothing to me. This isnt a place for me. I’m clinging onto this place so tight despite hating it, over a special reason i hope i will not lose sight of, and i hope i do not lose myself because of this.

There’s so many thoughts and memories and regrets and angst going through my mind.

I miss my horn and my music. I miss the joys of creating a wonderful magical piece of masterpiece with like-minded people.

Here I am, feeling weak and gloomy, while you’re somewhere else. Bet you don’t even remember that i wasn’t feeling well the whole day. Should i even wait for you to come back? Think i shouldn’t

Life seem to be disgustingly grotesque and depressing since…. god knows when. When will it ever pick up? When will the glorious and happy carefree days come by again?  Its so damn motherfucking difficult to find somewhere you’re comfortable with being who you are and just prance to the happy tunes of life.

Being a freaking lazy bum and a mega time rusher, I’ve been cabbing way too much doing my wallet injustice. Also, i think  I have been a far too nice person, always thinking that i sholdnt be late for appointments. Despite chionging down in a cab rushing to my destination thinking that i would be late, people are even later than me. =.= Seriously, such a waste of my anxiety and money. Such scenarios have been repeated far too many times and i think i should just heck and be even later than others.

Hence, no.1 resolution: Refrain from taking cabs and save m money for other more meaningful purposes! e.g. like getting myself a polaroid and more clothes to be clad in hehehe

I also realised, i spend money without taking records of it and suddnely, i realised my money in my walet dwindled OMG. I should really stop taking out money so easily from my wallet… Hence no. 2 resolution: Take records of what i spend on and refrain from spending too much money on useless stuff (food is an exception) =)))

No.3 resolution: Focus more on my studies and do regular revision =) i must make sure that i do so much better than what i did the previos sem and trash my boyfriend (Although i know its pretty onerous to do so.. but oh wells, at least i have a cute aim =D

No.4 resolution: I wanna learn how to whip up more dishes in hall =) Easy ones and probably bake stuff omg omg omg exciting much right!!!!

No. 4 resolution: I needa coerce my boyfriend to eat more veggies (which im glad he is trying but he still gives a face when i mention vege) and make him tidy his room and cupboard!!!!! I needa find a way to remove the weird stitchy stench in his room. haha

hmm okay! Thats for now! yay!!